well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
