T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
