I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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