if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
