That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
