I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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