even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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