He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
