chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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