i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
