You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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