I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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