I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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