chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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