Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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