Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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