They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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