Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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