Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
