Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
