shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
