Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
