dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
