forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
