I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
