I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
