The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
