Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
