So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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