We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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