You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
