i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We smell like vodka and hangover
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
