i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
