WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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