I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
