Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
