so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
