Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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