You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
