I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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