My underwear smells like fireworks.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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