His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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