walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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