Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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