even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
