There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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