Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
