does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
