We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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