Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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