Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
